Don't be tricked by aces in your face They'll tell you that it won't be a difficult game But they don't show what they're hiding beneath What comes quick can never last So don't jump so quick at weak prey In a shuffle soon, your queen will appear And your eyes will open to the meaning of the game
Under an amaretto sunrise I found a box It's sturdy, dense, and heavy; it's all covered in locks An aura emanates, sometimes light and sometimes dark I took it with me, and saw it's presence to be interminable, like the song of a lark More than anything I wanted to open it, but the seams were sealed shut I couldn't slice the chains open no matter how much I cut I fought and fought until I reached exhaustion I never knew my desires were so Faustian A moment from death, I'd found my design To accept the unobtainable, and face the malign
No matter how many deaths that I die I will never forgetNo matter how many lives that I live I will never regret
Somewhere along the way, I found the letter I had lost. Maybe it was an A, or a B, or a Z; I couldn't tell because the light wasn't so good. It was one of those things that always stays a part of you, but you sort of let yourself forget. You let life pass you by, flowing down the current of time, and then, all of a sudden, "Oh yeah, I remember you. I was looking for you all this time." And you did just fine in its absence, but in front of your face, you can't imagine yourself without it.
Maybe the pain that was set in place of the proximity of my letter made me repress my affections. Maybe it hurt so bad I tried to hate it and told everyone I did. But the hate was set inward because I knew I'd never let it go, not all the way. I could reach a staged happiness, tricking even myself it worked. And I believed myself too. Why wouldn't I?
I spent so much effort, using all sorts of erasers and paints, to make it disappear from my mind, to cover it. But the memory bled through, and smudges remained. Because I couldn't forget the places we'd been to, and the stories I'd written with you. Then to drop you from my alphabet, but keep writing. How could I do that? I'd look at all the other letters, and they're fine, they're lovely. They have their places and purposes. They aren't you though. They never could be. Such a shape and sound could never be reproduced.
I'm holding you tight; now, I have you. My only fear? Somewhere along the way, I'll lose you forever.
We'll have a story to tell one day. We'll talk about the crazy way we met, the coincidence that just wasn't. The way something entirely unintentional turned into furious potential. Maybe we'll talk about the way we waited for each other in every sense of the word. The way it drove us crazy, and toward each other. We'll look back and see that a break didn't mean anything was broken, only paused. Thoughts never ceased when the words did, and thoughts are the precursors to every single thing in life. Thoughts and feelings, which were present, although it took me a while to untangle all the wires of my heart and disconnect some here, plug them in there, make a strong connection to my mind which is the only thing I trust sometimes, but perhaps the most unreliable. Rose-colored goggles are real. I swear, there's a pinkish tint to everything I see and hear and feel and taste, and I know that hue comes from you. I'm drunk on love, high off of a passion for another person I never thought I'd have. Challenges are my specialty. And this one, damn, it's harder than anything I've ever done before. Isn't it funny how something so passive as waiting can be so difficult? I'm pretty sure this is a bigger trial than my USMLE's will be. It's also hard how others look on seeking justification and verification when they deserve none. Only we know how we feel and it's a shame that most people will never have what we do. But I'll wait. I was really never one for instant gratification if it meant giving up something substantially valuable. The painful time I sit through makes that moment of achievement all the more glorious.
"Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last Wake me up when September ends"
A battle you can't win A dream you can't touch Every night you fight in this war Sleep is your defeat Avoid it like a plague Succumb to the irresistible temptation An omnipotent force Irrevocable like the gravity that pulls us down You go in headfirst Eyes ablaze with passion A soft ticking passes The ground seems closer So much more attractive than the minute before You pull through Not now, not tonight A smile at your temporary triumph Don't worry, it's not to last The laughter in the distance creeps in The shadowy figures effectively avert your gaze You become hypersensitive Every light burns like the sun Every sound an explosion Every smell a rancid corpse Every touch your lover's hand Or perhaps a knife a bit dull The ticking never ceases So the edges fade Your eyes are open but you can't tell the difference They come in through every orifice And force what you deny Tear your fingers from their white-knuckled grasp They know you hate the silence Loathe it So they fill it with screams instead The palpitations have been continuous Are you dying? No You're sleeping You're sleeping You'll wake soon It'll be over soon The racing thoughts The hastened heart The failing senses You need to calm down Just make them stop, please You think lying still will help Just For a second You lose Lights out
Are you strong if you can lift 300 pounds? Are you strong if you can reach the top bell in one of those hammer games at the amusement parks? Are you strong if you can run a marathon? Are you strong if you have a lot of muscle? Are you strong if you can say no? Are you strong if you can tell the truth, as painful as it may be? Are you strong if you can walk away? Are you strong if you don't cry? Are you strong if you never give up on a task, a goal, a dream? Are you strong if you push yourself to the limit despite tears, pain, blood, and any other obstacles standing in your way? Are you strong if you resist temptation? Are you strong if you can stand on your own two feet? Is there strength in numbers? Are you strong if you're brave, fearless? Or are you brave, fearless, if you're strong? The sort of power that makes us strong comes from a sort of energy that can't be contained or defined. I don't know what it means to be strong but I'd like to some day. Despite the ambiguity, we all have our moments of strength. We're all a sort of sexy, a kind of strong, a type of invincible.
Some things, some people, seem to be put in front of you to test that strength. I'm here to say that it is imperative you don't let your knees buckle under the pressure of the world.
So I've got one final left then I'll officially be a junior. Alright, maybe not until the end of the week when they tally GPA and all that jazz, but I will be mentally and functionally finished with this year. It really is a big deal, to move on, to go to a state of higher status, respect, and power when I can still remember those first few Freshman days so vividly. To think, only one more graduation and then my own. Wow.
Every freshman now has to go through this little mentoring program called S.H.I.F.T., which means something along the lines of Students Helping Incoming Freshmen Transition, but don't quote me on that. Basically each kid gets a mentor for the first semester that helps them learn the ropes of high school, how to manage time, help with homework, and generally get acquainted. To become a mentor you have to be going into Junior or Senior year and go through a fairly selective application process. The day before school starts, the mentees meet with their mentors for what we call "Time Trials," and the mentors show the freshmen their classes, the way around the school, how to sign in and out, where the restrooms are, etc. As a freshman, I asked my mentor, who was a senior that year, "So, does it go by fast?" referring to high school. She replied, "Yeah, it really does, I can't believe I'm already a senior! You've just gotta enjoy it while it lasts." At the time I didn't really believe her, but I'm starting to see the truth in her words. Next year I'll get my own mentees.
Each year seems to be shorter than the last. I'll be out of here in no time, so it would be foolish to cry about the annoying pricks that come from walking through the field of adolescence barefooted. Not when there are those flowers, few and sickly, but still there, beautiful, deserving a thoughtful glance. You have to walk, no matter your pace, no matter where your eyes are set, so you may as well be seeing something more pleasant than not.
I just signed up to take a biology course at our local community college this summer. Hopefully I'll do well and be able to take Biology II next summer, completing a whole year of biology before I even go off to that dreamy land. I won't need to take AP Bio at school because I'll already have its equivalent in college credits, without having to score high on the AP test. I'll be taking a college course every fall and spring semester until I graduate high school, and maybe, if I do well on my AP tests and in those classes, I'll be able to go to college, fall of 2013, as a sophomore. Of course it's only a theory, a small chance, but what I really like is the idea of being a 25 year old doctor.
This is the correlation of salvation and love
Don't drop your arms
I'll guard your heart
With quiet words I'll lead you in
I've noticed too many times that people don't get along because of different interests or preferences. Even those that seem small or trivial can make or break that connection that two friends should have. I think that when you find something little that you and another person have in common, a little part of your soul flickers, and you feel less alone. It may be small, and those little strings of attachment may come slowly, but over time they can lead to a fantastic friendship. So here I will present to you things that I like, things that I notice, things that make me look outside of myself (or perhaps inside of myself), as well as some things I really don't click with. Honestly this list is more for my enjoyment than anything else, because I like doing introspective things that remind me of just who exactly I am. And besides, I don't have a Facebook, so I can't become a fan of all these things and keep record there.
Likes:
70% of music
Cats
Tea and coffee
Ties
Hats
Science (especially biological sciences)
Psychology
Medicine
Dancing
Sunglasses (even though I can rarely wear them)
Books, TV shows, websites, etc. about medicine
An open view on religion/spirituality, politics, sexuality, etc.
Videogames
Amusement parks (rollercoasters, woot)
The beauty of a natural world
Rain on a warm day (especially when I come home on Fridays or wake up on Sundays)
Learning (not just through conventional methods at school)
Causing a genuine laugh or smile
Mankind (I care about people more than plants or animals, sorry. I know some people do awful things but I still believe they're good at heart. Most, at least.)
That moment at an intersection when all the lights are red
The innocence of youth
The way a child's imagination is more real than the world around him
Birds (especially chickens)
South Park
The moon and the stars
Ladies who cuss (but not excessively)
Old people who still have that youthful soul
Wrinkly old men with bright blue eyes
Haircuts
Good grades (and valuing education in general)
Driving my Avenger
Intelligence
Grey's Anatomy
Irony
Puns
Random things with little explanation
Hope
Hayden Panettiere
A healthy dose of confidence
Exercise (once I can motivate myself for it, anyway)
Dreaming (both awake and asleep)
Staying busy
Storms
Being needed
Honesty
Warm weather
Actually scary movies
Giving everything in every thing one does (do it right or don't do it at all)
Mesh shorts (especially black ones)
Pokemon (the old kind that I grew up with, not the modern stuff)
Loyalty
Perseverance
California
Blond-haired girls, dark-haired boys
Knowing about how the world and humans in particular work
Writing (especially creatively)
A good home-cooked meal (cheaper, healthier, and tastier than most other options)
People with a passion (admittedly, I'm a bit biased toward those who have one similar to one of mine)
Babies of any species
Appreciation and gratitude for life
Oregon
Disney-Pixar movies (Toy Story is my favorite)
Jack Johnson
Chapstick (must be with me at all times..I really like the flavored kinds)
Dinosaurs (Stegosauruses are my favorite animals by far)
Parodies
Nerdy, geeky humor
Deep conversations about life
That clean feeling right after taking a shower
Family
Doing just about everything for a reason (and sometimes that reason is just to have fun)
People who are true to themselves, whoever that person may be
Silly things that must have meaning put into them
Being a bit spontaneous and flexible
Solitaire and other card games on the computer
Bike rides
Art
Walks outside
Evenings
Naps (sometimes outside)
Power outages
Stereo Love by Edward Maya
Candles
Changing
Pillow pets
Hands
Fire
Making a positive difference
The country
Haunted houses
Working (sometimes)
Cute, romantic gestures
Good quotes
Innocent pranks
European culture
Poetry
Beanie babies
Ice cream in any format
Making connections that are usually not seen by others
Breathtaking scenery
Staying up very late
Being generally straightforward
Big cities
Math
Playing loud music with my windows rolled down
Being warm
Holidays
Sleeping anywhere but a bed
Being generally positive
Laughing (especially at inappropriate times)
Red
Owls
Dark humor
Being taken seriously
A bit of sarcasm
Things I'm not so crazy about:
Shallowness
Drugs, smoking, excessive alcohol
Doing things only to fit in with others
Lying
Trash talking others just for the sake of conversation
Ignorance
Most country music (save for Rascal Flatts, Taylor Swift and a handful of other individual songs)
Most insects and creepy crawly things
Criminals
Religious fanatics
Racists, homophobes, and other close-minded people
Hiding relationships
Icy roads
Snow after December
Waking up for school
Being judged for my age
Dogs that bite and cats that scratch
Getting in trouble
Stupid, pointless awards for trivial things like participation
Wasting time, money, and life
Cheating in 95% of circumstances
Overly sexual content
Driving recklessly
Excessive/poorly placed piercings and tattoos (more people have facial piercings than those that can pull them off well)
People who scoff at my dreams
An inability to move on from the past
Taking life for granted
Complaining and whining unless totally appropriate for the situation
Death
Dying hair (most of the time)
Bragging excessively
Waiting
Missing school
Being disturbed while studying or having me-time
Expecting to be friends again immediately after a breakup
Hypocrisy (I hate myself sometimes because of it)
When technology and equipment fail
Pain (unless its the kind customary to exercise, I sorta like that kind)
Facebook
Being cut off in traffic
Denying nature
Hatred
One word replies to texts
An inability to have a meaningful conversation
Disrespect
Disease
Heartbreak
Regret
Not taking advantage of opportunities
Walking into an avoidable misfortune
Repeating mistakes
Mental illnesses
Change (as in coins. It's so heavy and annoying.)
The way no one has time for each other
Bad smells
Disabilities
When my phone dies
Forgetting locker combos or passwords
Long stretches of time filled with boredom due to a lack of challenges
Playing a game I just can't ever win
Incompetence
Being led on
Long distance relationships
The way nothing at all is certain (I thank Einstein for making me doubt science as well. Boo, Relativity.)
Arguing
Feeling lost and hopeless
When you watch a movie for the second time and you really wish you could make the incoming bad thing not happen
I had no intention of forgetting this little blog, and I have no one to apologize to but myself. I still wish I could directly input what I feel and think onto paper, through words, but often it is a jumbled mess, not even coherent to me. My soul runs deep and all sorts of critters can be found within it. Some resemble pure and innocent angelfish, others the humorous clowns. But also there are angry piranhas, vicious sharks, and frightening angler-fish. I can't ever guarantee what will turn up, but regardless of it's shape or characteristics, it will always be a candid creature from that river. This time, I suppose being blunt will help me express myself better. I can be an emotional person, and I change my mind quite a bit. But I always say what I mean, and whatever I say, I mean it in my whole heart. I can't promise that I'll always feel that way, whether my words and impressions are positive or negative. In fact, they may very well change the next day. In the moment, however, I speak from my soul. I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize to all of those who have seen me a liar, for that was never the case; my truth is simply dynamic. If I said I was happy, I really was. If I said I was upset, I was down. If I told you I loved you, I only saw you. I'm deeply sorry for the hurt and heartbreak I've caused.
For this I live without regrets, because I would not be able to live with myself knowing I had lied about something more substantial than whether I had a piece of gum in class or not. Sorry, I don't always want to share my gum with the whole school.
What I want is not for myself. I live for others because it's the right thing to do. I put myself through this crippling pain not because it's fun. Not because I like it. Not because it's easy. Because it's the only thing that makes me feel whole. I am a person, with values, morals, desires, needs, and it's so easy to walk around with a switch on the back of your head, brainwashed, away from reality and yourself. I won't do that. I don't have to prove myself to anyone but myself. I have to live with me for the next century, so my approval is the only one that matters. I have high standards to live up to, high expectations, and also incredible potential. Why am I punished, whipped to a bleeding pulp, for being real, while those with fake faces and shoes are put on pedestals? Why do I have to be trapped under this weight while pretending I'm floating on air, a smile to my classmates, because I can't tell them what's going on at home, what's going on in my phone, what's going on in my mind, what hurdles I have to jump to keep myself? Why are others, and circumstances resulting from forces unknown, trying to destroy me when my life is only about construction?
I can tell my peers about you, but they don't take us seriously. "Oh," they say. Or they laugh. Or give me that look, that, "Ok, yeah, right. Whatever." They don't get it. They never will. No one ever will. I don't think they need to, and eventually, they won't matter. They're stock characters. A sort of madness, more intense than before, has taken over me. I become angry, because I can't go home to you. I can send a message with my fingers, but, that's not the same as being able to run into your arms, tears streaming down my face, words not found and unneeded. So I'll work until I die, so my plans will include you in them. I'm not perfect, please don't ever think I am. But I need you, so much, so very much, I can't express it, because you are you, and I will never find another person quite as special, quite as perfect for me. I don't know what's going to happen in the middle of these two pieces of bread, between now and then, but at the end, we will be together. I'm going to marry you, one day. Even without having to cut the engagement ring out of your stomach, love. My snowy cat, I wish I had the words, the dialect, the language, the vernacular to show what courses through my veins, the substance of my cells, the glue between my soul and body.
No, you'll never be alone/When darkness comes/I'll light the night with stars
I was very tired today, barely floating through those seven hours we call school. I meant to finish writing last night, which was in fact Thursday, but I've slipped into Friday like a rain drop on a car window. I got a car today, a 2010 silver Dodge Avenger. I absolutely love it. Admittedly, the ride is not as smooth as the Corolla's, but it's mine, and it's fantastic. I'm kind of nervous, to be honest, because the responsibility associated with it is huge. I'm also not totally used to driving the thing, which handles a bit differently than our Toyota. School was ridiculously easy this week, we barely had any homework or anything to study for, which worries me a bit because I know it won't last. This is just the calm before the storm. It's April now, and the teachers will have to start making up for lost time. It's Friday, but I realize how little it matters..It will be gone soon enough, and the weekend will pass, and the week will start over again, and then I'll trudge through it, and then the weekend will arrive once more. It's a never-ending cycle, with nothing too spectacular about the name of the day. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful to have the weekend off (except for work..I've gotta work on the weekends). It's just short lived, that's all. That's good, right? Because I'll sooner get to summer, which means I'll sooner get to next year, which means I'll sooner get to 17, and I'll sooner get to senior year, and I'll sooner graduate, and I'll sooner go off to college, and I'll sooner go to medical school, and I'll sooner become a doctor. I feel as if every day has a few seconds less than the day before it. How will I ever have time for anything.."fun", especially later in life?
Will I see the sun, Rising above that golden horizon, Or will my back be turned, Favoring a man-made shine? Will I hear the chirps of the birds, Nature's wake-up call, Or will my slumber be startled By clicking metal machines? Will I smell the roses, As they bud in the damp April air, Or will my lungs be filled With the smog of a concrete jungle? Will I taste the fresh berries, Grown in woods nearby, Or will my mouth be stained By the flavors of synthetic chemicals? Will I feel the soft grass underfoot, The kind that only grows in these parts, Or will my feet be cut open, By broken glass and jagged asphalt? Will I live for my dreams, Those entwined in the fabric of my being, Or will I follow the beaten path, Walked by the fearful and uninspired? Will I wait for those lips, That I know fit so perfectly with mine, Or will I continue to meet with other faces, Trying to tell myself they're anything like yours?
I wish I knew the words that would bring you here, Right by my side, maybe even tonight And I wish knowing what I know would be easier, But I'm impatient, and a little masochistic, So no matter how much my muscles hurt, I will never drop this weight, I might even smile, laugh at the pain, Self-inflicted but universally present. My strength comes from knowing it's temporary Unlike me and you, which I honestly think and feel will last forever, In some form or another, but the state of matter doesn't matter, Only it's composition. I put so much effort into lying to myself And it hurt, like a joint overextended, It was so unnatural. I can't do that. I won't fight what has been put in front of me, By what some might call an angel. I always thought I was looking, searching, But I didn't know for what, And now I do, But it's funny because I found you by accident, Or maybe it was coincidence, fate, destiny. Another funny thing is that there's only one you, And there's only one me. So anyone who thinks they know how we feel, Is lying, or impossibly ignorant, I kind of pity them because what we have is amazing, Completely irreplaceable, immortal, And if people caught even a glimpse, Oh, they'd be jealous. I can't call it "love" because everyone else uses that word, To describe whatever it is they have, Which can't hold a candle to what we share. We're so much more than that word can do justice for. Sometimes I forget But you remind me That I am Good Worthy Deserving Capable Smart Strong Maybe even Beautiful.
It's Spring Break, but I'd rather call it Spring Build.
I got the job, at the hospital. Eight hours a week that I keep having to tell myself are paid. I've only been working a few days, but it's already great and I can see it will be a worthwhile experience. Those smiles, wow, that's what I live for. My future lies in those walls..maybe not the specific ones I roam now as an underling, but what they represent, like the chambers of my heart, methodically working like a system, never missing a beat. I want to be an erythrocyte, moving to where I'm needed, bringing vital nutrients to deoxygenated tissue. Or perhaps a thrombocyte would be more appropriate, stitching up the wounds where they occur.
I'm building a bridge for physics class. It looks good on paper, but I feel once it's all glued together in the flesh it'll seem..insufficient. But I'll do the best I can, as I do with most everything else.
Well, it turns out, contrary to my delicious idealistic belief, not all people are nice, and and not all people are to be trusted, even if they drill in your head for years that they should be. I guess some people legitimately enjoy harming others. It must be an illness, how could that ever be ok? Do you disrespect yourself so much that in order to bring yourself up you have to make everyone around you more miserable than you are? That must be it. Those types of people really get on my nerves, because they ruin things for other normal, warm-blooded humans. You get hurt, when you assume someone has the best intentions, and you find out you were wrong, then you become blind. You put on a helmet, carry a shield, and you can't tell the difference between your friends and your enemies. Maybe the enemies should be trusted because at least they're honest about their position with you. There just isn't enough time to spend it being dishonest, to hide what should be open to the air, the sun, even the rain. But a scraped knee turns to a scab, which heals eventually too. If a scar forms, then you'll always have that reminder of where you've been and who you have become. Just because one jagged stone cuts you open doesn't mean you should ever forgo the rocky shores of Yachats. You'll never find your diamond if you don't search through the less-than-desirable pebbles.
I've not written in a while. It's so cathartic, so I return to it once more. Like a rollercoaster, I get dragged up to the peak of the ride. Then I hang there, in suspense, a painful anticipation worse than being at the bottom of the hill to begin with. The sky is foggy; goodness knows what inveigled me to board the ride in the first place. What lies beneath? Is it a thrill, awesome, exhilarating? Or is it a bottomless pit, one that I've worked so freaking hard to avoid? "Come on," they said. I ignored them at first, and at second, even third. Relentlessly they prodded me, and I thought that it couldn't be that bad; if misery awaited, they wouldn't have put in that effort to get me to experience it. Why waste so much effort, just to make someone feel horrible? Are there not better uses of the human spirit? In the end though, it was I that stepped on. I pulled down the restraints and buckled the seatbelt. This was my decision. I pray to whatever God-like thing exists out there that it wasn't the wrong one.
I looked at the globe, surrounded by a larger sphere with certain star groups on it. And I thought, "Wow, that's not even close to it. I am so small. We are so small. What do we mean, in the grand scheme of things? Who are we to blow everything up to this great proportion, when we really mean so little? What's the point, in the history of everything, to even make an effort? Success is relative, and what may be accomplished in my school may not be in another, and what may be considered successful may be average in another country, and what about another world? Another solar system?"
Yes, we're definitely small. I am very small, 5'2''. But to each other we are big. People matter; maybe not in the big scope of things, but we don't see things through such giant eyes. Our eyes are about 2.5in in diameter and that's what we view our world out of, so yeah, we see small things as large. So on this scale we make things matter, like dolls in a dollhouse, pretending our own world is the most important. To us, it is. For this reason, I will never, ever give up.
I had a long, tiring day, not particularly difficult, but busy. I had very little downtime compared to my usual day. It was a great day, really. I spoke with my math teacher, who I have a new found respect for, and he reignited my dream of going to Harvard. No one from this school has gone to Harvard, and that's always been my first choice, my dream school. I gave up on it, because it was too expensive, too prestigious, too big, too whatever; but this algebra teacher reinforced a confidence that had been buried deeper within me than I originally thought. I now have even more reason to excel, to go above and beyond, to stand out and live these last few years to my greatest potential.
I'm fairly certain I got a job at the hospital too..Working in the cafeteria, but it's a job, and it's at a hospital! I couldn't think of a better minimum wage to engage in :) I get to see patients, and maybe, just maybe, help provoke a smile or two.
In other news, I'm also getting an interview with BBBS, and I really do hope they match me to a Little. I'm a full-time big sister, I might as well share it with another deserving child. My heart is big and there's plenty to give to those who need.
I am strong. I can say no when I need to. I will not be taken advantage of. I know when I need to move on. Holding onto memories of the past, trying to convince myself things will ever be the same, is taking for granted today, and tomorrow. I'm ready to live, not just remember. I don't understand why you try so hard when I've been more than clear; I'm absolutely done. I don't need you, and quite honestly, I don't care if you need me, because you missed your chance. I kind of hope you regret it for a long time. Goodbye. I foresaw this. Funny. "Today I miss you, tomorrow you miss me. You'll be just another face in the crowd." Hello, Tomorrow, how have you been?
(Excuse my poor English, I'm quite tired and in a hurry. I just had to get these thoughts down, as raw and uncut as they are.)
Draped over my favorite arm chair in my dining room, the TV in the corner on the Disney Channel, my siblings either playing on the computer or watching Netflix in the living room, I escaped my comfortable world for a more exciting one where my dreams live. So I was reading the book my mother gifted me, about a surgeon's orthopedic residency at Mayo. So far, little has surprised me, other than the methodical way these men work through all of these stressors and don't break down. I want that challenge. Probably not in the orthopedics ward, but in a hospital nonetheless, my heart racing the first time a scalpel cuts by my hand.
But there's part of it that is hard for me to swallow. This man, so far in the book, has a wife and two children. I understand he loves them very much, but that love only makes his journey more difficult. He has barely any time to spend with them, and his daughters know his brother better than their own father. His wife gets increasingly tired, jaded by his non-presence and broken plans. And I'm left thinking, "No. Way. In. Hell." Most women will be getting married, starting families, by the time they're 26. Besides the fact that the institution of marriage confuses me, fills me with mixed feelings of several origins, and that having children quite honestly scares the crap out of me, I don't want to be in that position at 26, just starting my residency. Sleep-deprived, overworked, under-appreciated, stressed, I don't want the added guilt that comes with my own family, the feeling of failure, the knowledge that I'm choosing my career over them. That's exactly what it will be and, really, that's the way I'm wired. My purpose here is not primarily to be a wife and mother, which most people can do (though not everyone can do it well). Sure maybe those things will come along eventually, but not when I'm in the middle of my training, walking so dangerously on that rickety bridge that leads to the destination I've been dreaming of my entire life. I'll want my siblings and parents in good relations, but preferably not under the same roof as I. I'll want friends, for sure, which will hopefully be found in like-minded doctors, residents in the same situation. Maybe I'll even be able to accommodate a boyfriend or girlfriend should I be so blessed, but that will be difficult, particularly if that person is not also a medical professional. All in all, I will be a surgeon; the last thing I want is to have more complications.
As tradition holds, I fell asleep in my chair. I started dreaming immediately, an interesting, not-usually-great sign. I entered a church courtyard, where several young women were floating above tombs, wearing white, ragged dresses, with daggers above their heads. Soon enough, I found myself floating about, as if I had rocket boots or something to keep me hovering, almost flying around. Some "important" figure appeared, a judge of sorts, maybe a priest or other religious leader. Suddenly a dagger appeared next to me, and it started moving, writing letters into my arms, messages to the figure and the other girls around me. I couldn't tell if I was moving this dagger with my mind or if it was out of my control. I felt I and the other girls were being condemned for something, as if we were witches. Then the dagger turned into some sort of sooty stick, and dark lines were drawn on my hands and fingers. A man with wings entered the room preceding the courtyard, a hero of sorts, there to rescue us. If he succeeded or not was unclear, but I was then transported to a giant castle room, and the world switched around. I was no longer good, I was evil. I took a bag and floated to the top of the mantle above a ginormous fireplace and starting putting in several different ornaments and a stuffed turkey. A giant red dragon appeared in the room adjacent to me so I took the things out of the bag and replaced them, scared of being killed by the monster. To my surprise, the dragon came over, nudged me with its nose, and purred, much like a cat. The winged-man, with wings of black or blue, appeared once more, and beckoned me to a large window at the side of the room overlooking what seemed like an ocean. He said something along the lines of "Come, we have more interesting things to see." I followed him out the window and another flying man appeared. We flew behind the first man, and we flew fast with what felt like little control. The little control I had starting diminishing as I glided above the ocean and through cities of a different time period, where everything was made of stone and fire and automobiles did not exist. I started to become fatigued and I couldn't maintain my speed or altitude, and whatever wings I had turned grey and transparent. The man near me, the second one, noticed this, said something like "She wasn't ready for this," and held onto me, helping me complete the journey. We landed soon in a city of white brick walls and humble shops and homes, a canal running through the middle of it, roads built over bridges over roads. I looked at the boy who had saved me, and acknowledged his help by closing my eyes and engaging in a long, passionate kiss, better than I've ever had in my waking life. The next thing I knew I kicked my leg out in real life, knocking over a container of almonds, spilling them all over the floor. My lovely dream was over.
That was a pretty poor recall of my dream, but it was quite interesting. Sure there was more, and feelings and sights I could not convey if I tried, but those were the most notable things. I almost never dream of things of that nature. That fantastic part of my mind usually lies dormant in favor of more modern things that have very little apparent meaning, just random scraps thrown together from the corners of my psyche.
I can try to be with you,
but somehow I'll end up just losing a friend.
Medicine. I hope that every person can live with a purpose in mind. As if we came to this Earth from another plane of alternate reality, a parallel dimension, with a goal, a quest. This quest is the whole reason for your journey. The path is dangerous, difficult, brutal, cold. But if you look past the thieves and robbers, the dark shadows, you'll see a child, a deer walking in the forest. That child, or that deer, or maybe that lone flower poking up from the frigid soil, reminds you why you're here. You are bigger than yourself. Maybe we are physically confined to these bodies, but spiritually, mentally, and emotionally we are capable of reaching out far beyond the contours of our skin. So we are always aware of that thing at the top of our lists, but to get there we have to take small steps, sub-quests if you will. You will know if you're on the right track if every breath you take, every move you make, reminds you of that light at the end of the tunnel. It's your job to get there, but not without illuminating the path first.
I wait, but it's hardly that. I live. Today for tomorrow, yes, but it's still living, cultivating the person I will become, like bacteria in a petri dish. It won't be overnight, but after several weeks, a fairly impressive colony will form.
What does it mean to care? I guess it depends who you ask. Holding a door open. Smiling. Sending a friendly text. Asking, and being genuinely curious, "Are you alright?" Giving some dorky gift for some dorky holiday. Listening. Helping to plot revenge. Calling just to say hello. Hugging. Kissing. Offering a hand. Saying those three words when your whole soul means it, withholding them when it doesn't. Thinking. Researching a cure. Writing. Dreaming. Saving a life.
Caring is all of those things and more, or less, or none. It's whatever you make it out to be. Just because two people like the same style of shirt doesn't mean they'll pick the same color. So when you see that other person, don't think "I don't like that color," say, "Hey, I like your shirt."
It doesn't matter if you have to visit 10 stores and spend the whole day searching for the right color, just make sure you wear a shirt. No one should be walking around naked.
I know what shirt I want, but right now, it's still a bit big on me. That's alright, I'll grow into it.
Yesterday was a pretty satisfying day. The fact that it was Valentine's Day, a commercialized excuse for people to engage in activities for carnal purposes, had nothing to do with it. No, actually, the only Valentine's Day presents I received were a sucker from one of my friends and some things from my mom (one of which was Hot Lights, Cold Steel, something I had wanted quite badly.) It didn't really faze me that I didn't have a date this year; my day was so much better than that. I donated blood yesterday for the first time. It felt fantastic. No, not the actual act, which included a finger prick and a huge needle stuck in my arm for about 15 minutes, for a whole process that interrupted about 3 hours of regular class time. But that one pint of blood is capable of being 3 units of blood for those who need transfusions. That means I could have saved up to three lives yesterday. For free. The very thing that runs through my heart, my heart filled with only the best intentions and desires to help others, will be the very thing saving someone's life. Part of me will become part of them. How much closer can I get to giving my whole heart to another person? It just thrills me, to think of what it could mean. What if the blood goes to a young child or an infant? Or my future spouse? Or the future president? No matter what, that person will be someone's somebody.
A day spent, And where were you? I stood in the rain, And waited. You didn't show. I shivered, My nose dripped. Where were you? I hope your day was great. I hope you had fun, I hope you made some other girl's night.
I didn't have an umbrella, Because I didn't think I'd need one. No poncho or cover could shield The water falling on my heart. The storm clouds smiled Their wicked grins, The most candid I'd seen in a while.
So where were you? Did you think of me While you went on with your day? I shouldn't have to say That I thought of you. Now I wish I hadn't. A fool I was To believe a chance Could be found In your presence. My heart, it breaks, But like any other muscle, The tears will heal. The pain will subdue. And I will be whole, Stronger than ever before. I'll have so much Love Passion Spirit To give. But, It won't be for you. It will all be For someone who deserves it. For someone who is capable of giving back At least half of what I gift. For someone who appreciates The entirety of what stands before them. So yes, today I miss you, But tomorrow you will miss me. You'll just be another face in the crowd. I won't stand in the rain Anymore.
Like gears we move in this clock, But my fit has not been found. So I am a cog alone Barely turning Without an influence Without a part With a purpose Of theory. The heart beats for the next And only wants to forget the last.
Who am I To look for something That may not exist That may be a dream A myth Seen in my sleep Oh, The heart-wrenching I feel when I see What I want Close to my heart In front of my eyes Forever from my reach.
Where were you? I don't want to know. I want to forget. I want to never see you Walk these halls again. They are mine. You're not welcome. Leave, now, And let me bring A new face inside.
What unites us? What makes us the same? Well first of all, we're of the same species, which means we (normally) have the same number of chromosomes in each cell. We're carbon-based, and filled with nitrogen, oxygen, hydrogen, sodium, calcium, iron, and other elements that create our tissues. When someone looks at a picture of a brain, they may think the folds and lines are all random. That's actually not true; each healthy human has the same pattern of sulcuses and fissures on their grey matter, and each line has it's own purpose. Anatomically, we're all basically alike. We also have the same needs, as far as food, water, air, shelter, warmth, pressure, and love. We all need to have people we care about and that care about us; we are naturally social creatures. Everyone can think of someone they know, perhaps themselves, that is rather quiet, doesn't always need to be the center of attention, isn't constantly chatting up everyone around them. Does that mean that person, the loner, the shy one, doesn't need or want a friend; a relationship deeper than the connection formed by being at the same place at the same time? No, of course not; everyone wants and needs that. The way relationships are valued and viewed is a bit different for each person. Some people would rather have many, shallower acquaintances; they want to be able to walk up to anyone and just start talking to them. That's fine, it's a style, a way to live. Other people, me included, desire just a few very close friends. A person or two you can share your whole life with, without fear of judgment or betrayal. Someone you can be completely deep and serious with, or silly and mischievous, depending on how you feel at the time. I think of school, and how I portray myself there; that is just one facet of my personality, just one view. Many people take that view and mold me around it without trying to understand or see what else is there. That's alright; that portrayal is not exactly a bad one, it's just not complete in any sense. I have the utmost respect and loyalty to those few souls that are willing to wonder, to look beyond that exterior. We're complex beings and should be treated as such.
Happy Hump Day. Today was fairly calm, but my day deteriorated when I got a B on my Geography test, simply because I mixed up the definitions of megalopolis and metropolitan area. Oh well, I still have over 10 weeks to make it up and I know I will.
Animals fascinate me. I always stare at my cats, into their eyes, and wonder what sort of treasures, ideas, dreams, desires lie behind the corneas. What if they are just as capable of intelligent and coherent thought as we, but just lack the vocal ability to communicate their mind's activities? What if they really do have a sixth sense, maybe see death or predict an event, either catastrophic or glorious? And whenever I pet their soft fur, I think, "If I have a soul, so does this creature, perfect, pure, never intending harm upon another." I don't understand how some can say we go to heaven but animals simply lie in the ground, decaying. I don't want to hear of the theories on the "complexity" of humans compared to animals. The soul is so complex we have not identified it within ourselves, what makes us think we are so grand to dismiss one in other species?
Oh, and I'll have to keep diazoxide in mind. Apparently it has been found to stimulate the creation of oligodendrocytes. Awesome.
It's just a Tuesday. A lonely Tuesday, really. I've never liked Tuesday. Most of the people I know hate Mondays, but Mondays are no big deal for me. They are usually calm, relaxed, easy. I'm usually too shocked that I have to wake up at 6:30 again to really care about the misery associated with the day. No, Tuesday is the bad one, because you realize where you are: just the second day out of five. Less than half. You bump over to Wednesday and it's fine, because then it is Hump Day; you are over halfway done, and it's easy going from there. It's amazing the way time just floats by. A week isn't that long, granted you don't keep an eagle eye on each second. If you just let life happen, intervening when possible and necessary, trying to find an ounce of happiness in whatever situation you are in, you find yourself at the end of the week quickly, at the end of the month, of the season, of the semester, of the year. Yeah, my sisters had their 100th day of school party yesterday at school, which is great, because that proves just how far we are into this thing. That's why I hate procrastinating; you put something off for a minute and then you are bombarded with it the next with a force twice as large as the original. Time management is something I'm reasonably okay at though, and I've improved over the years, learning that I can't finish every single thing to completion right away. Priorities, right?
Sometimes I panic about school, feeling trapped or behind if I miss a couple points here or there. What I do is remind myself of how successful I've been in the past, and then log onto the computer and take a look at my current grades, which rarely disappoint. If they do, I know where I need to work just a bit harder, and I've never had a goal I couldn't attain when it came to my report card. I guess the moral of the story is that you need to relax, because nine times out of ten, things aren't nearly as bad as you think they are. Just look at it from another perspective; imagine you are someone else looking into your own life. You probably will find little reason to freak out or pity yourself.
Here's to tomorrow, and being the person you are and want to be. Don't hide or change for anyone other than yourself. I don't care if you think my words are cliche or "cheesy," because words can be reused, and should be, or else no one would understand what you are trying to communicate.
Is that you, Happiness? Down the street I see you, never taking station, moving and dancing there, won't you come here, whisper your secrets in my ear? But I know you will not because the game's a chase and I better run fast to catch you in my arms. I'll keep you forever, just you watch, Happiness, maybe you'll slip from me for just one moment's time, but you'll be mine again before the sun sets here.
I came upon some interesting information in my anatomy book concerning neuroglial cells, and a lightbulb went off in my head. I essentially hypothesized a cure for MS. I was pulled out of class today by my counselor and principal and discussed school with them, in particular, how I don't feel challenged in my current environment. They want to help me however they can and are willing to get creative in terms of scheduling and the like. They even want to see about getting me involved with a research project with a nearby institution, with the goal of getting published. How amazing would that be? I would absolutely love an opportunity like that. I've always been interested in methods of restoring the nervous system, and hey, my brain hatched an idea of its own. Let's see if it has any merit.
I almost never watch sports. I just don't really have an inherent interest in a bunch of overrated people running around, playing a game. Maybe that makes me a hypocrite, because I like watching TV and movies. Anyway, the few exceptions are as follows: the Olympics, school games in which I know the players, and the Super Bowl. I was kind of disappointed that the Bears didn't make it this year, but I didn't lose sleep over it. I figured it would be best if the Packers won, because that would mean the Bears were possibly the second best team; had the Steelers won, the Bears would have been at least third. I didn't really care one way or the other, but I chose the Packers to root for. I honestly didn't think they would win, because in the past, the team I've been cheering for would do really well the first half of the game, then completely choke after half time. For once, "my" team didn't choke, so that was sort of cool, I guess. My enthusiasm matches that of someone who had just won a coin toss. Not a coin toss deciding who would start on the offense in the Super Bowl, just a coin toss for the hell of it. Despite my interpersonal distance from the game, I found it to be inspiring. You see these people living and achieving their dream, a dream they've worked so hard for. I just think, "Yeah, one day these guys were sitting in math class, daydreaming about this day. And here they are. They made it...so I can too." No, my dream does not involve a full contact sport, being tackled by a bunch of sweaty men tossing around a strange looking ball, wearing colorful uniforms over pads while getting way too much publicity and being grossly overpaid (and don't you dare say doctors are overpaid..have you seen the costs associated with college and medical school nowadays? What about the long hours and difficult work put into that journey? And how could you ever adequately pay someone who saves life itself?), but it's my own and just as glamorous.
Overall I was disappointed with the commercials. I liked the Mercedez-Benz one with Kanye West, the one where the cars were talking to each other, "Sheila looks good topless," and the one with the redhead teacher driving a Camaro. I've always had a thing for M'Benz's and Camaro's, especially when being driven by attractive people. And the other one was just funny.
I hope I'm not totally lost tomorrow, because I've been gone for over a week in some of my classes. Apparently it's the 100th day of school (except not really because of about 4 snow days..so, 96th). So here's to a quick end to the semester, success in all of your classes/work, functional regenerative therapies, and above all else, happiness and a sense of accomplishment.
This makes me happy. Turns out scientists have found a way to manipulate MicroRNA so that there are more stem cells to work with, at least the kind that can turn into new skin cells. I understand how human embryonic stem cells could almost be seen as controversial, but I fail to see the controversy in using adult stem cells to study diseases in order to find a treatment or cure. I can see there being great news for victims of burns or other trauma through this. I'm hoping that researchers will be able to find out how to restore damaged neurons. It's absolutely tragic when a person who started with a normal life has their whole world taken away because of some accident resulting in spinal cord injuries or brain trauma.
I owe it to the world to help others. I want to be remembered in a positive light; maybe not changing the universe for all of mankind, but a few people. I want to be able to stand in a room with a peer, flashing a half smile while they say, "Dr. Will just saved your life." This may be an odd analogy, but mothers always talk about how fantastic it is to have a baby, to give life to a new soul. Doctors give life everyday, without increasing the population. To be able to constantly feel that, well, I can't imagine anything better. So yeah, maybe my motives may be seen as selfish: wanting to help people because of the way it makes me feel. But it's not just that. I want to make other people feel that same way.
Back here on Earth, I registered for my first ACT, which I'll take on April 9th. I'm hoping for a score around 33 this first time around. I guess we will just have to see where I really stand, because I don't trust the world in which I have been raised in. A class of 80 is not the whole world. Maybe with a good score, I'll receive some legitimate interest from colleges, not just the random spam they send out for my PSAT scores (which were not bad, not to brag..).
In the technical, calender sense of the word, it's Friday. But I have a better name for what today really was: Odday. I guess it's contents were not really that absurd, simply different. I woke early to sell some food at our school with a friend, and we made a whopping $5 for our institution of "learning." Following our massive net profit, I was whisked away, onto a bus with other nerds, similar to me at the surface but not much past there. We were being taken to ISU for our regional WYSE competition. I took English first, which was fairly difficult, and then Biology, was also difficult but not nearly as bad. I was really able to hone in on my instincts, because for too many questions I did not have a solid answer banked in the forefront of my brain, just waiting on call. I made my guesses, but I'd hardly call them that, for they were neither blind nor poorly thought out. I had lunch at Pizza Hut and was able to say some meaningful things to someone other than one of my greatest friends who lives 14 hours away. It was a relief, really, and helped me stay grounded. After lunch, we went to compete in a little contest that required us to make a bridge spanning 50cm in 20 minutes out of 100 Popsicle sticks, a roll of masking tape, (which is awful at adhering to Popsicle sticks), and a sheet of construction paper. We had a nice design for a suspension bridge, but then the tape wouldn't stick and the Popsicle sticks refused to stay in place, so we had to rush at the last 5 minutes to create some poor excuse for a slab bridge. I liked the feeling of urgency, of working quickly without jeopardizing too much quality. No, I did not lead this project, and no, our bridge did not even come close to holding the 5-lb weight it was supposed to because it just slipped off the ends of the tables, but it was fun, and in my own head I was useful and a good worker. In that same head, with a time limit in place, participating in a mental and tactile activity with other people, I became a surgeon, operating in the OR after having been delivered a trauma patient involved in a car crash. One day it won't only be in my mind. So in conclusion, it was Odday probably due to the messed up schedule of things, the way I went to school for half a day on Monday thanks to a doctor' appointment, had three snow days, and then came back on Friday, as if the school day would have had purpose without the WYSE trip. We came back early from the competition, because the machine that was supposed to score us was snowed in (fail). We loitered around our physics teacher's tiny room until the Principal said we could just go home, which ended up being about half an hour before regular dismissal. Blast, it's not Odday anymore...It's Saturday.
