Memories Embodied

You were a racist, bigoted, transphobic, spoiled girl
All your daddy's money couldn't get you to seek help for the mental disorders that tore everything up
You made fun of a lot of people, but I just thought you were funny

I didn't see any of that until now
Because you were gorgeous and made me smile
You loved animals and music
You inspired me to exercise
Your bed was so big and comfortable
We could feel everything in each others' eyes
And the there was a frustrating thrill in how hard we tried to keep it all a secret

I still don't understand what happened
It's all a fuzzy blur, a drunken night that lasted years
All I know is that you changed me
And that is something that will always be

I think of you on the daily
And when I manage not to, I'm reminded in my dreams
I think of you when I smoke a cigar or take a hit of weed
I think of how pissed you'd be
So I smile and keep going

When I fucked that girl in October
I was so proud
Because you weren't the only one anymore
You were better though
And I later realized that night was the date you took my virginity two years prior
And I just laughed

I know you're still alive
But you're not the same person
You just happen to share the same body as that girl that changed me
And in my eyes she's died
Which is for the best
So at least I can mourn and move on

I wonder if you still think of me
Though it really doesn't matter
Because it won't change the fact that I still think of you
Whether you loved me or not, whether you still do
Won't change that I'll never get over you
Won't change that I never want to see you again

Why Is Life So Tough?

Asking questions during Science Time
The teacher seems so impressed
At recess I talk to myself
As the other kids laugh, running and playing
Why is being a child so tough?

Driving home at night after a winter's day of work
My first semester of college slips by
The radio coaxes out my loneliness
And I sit in all my lacking
Love, money, and purpose
Why is being a young adult so tough?

I just turned thirty-two
I'm a doctor now, a real scientist
Who traded all for a university lab
Too busy thinking to think
Finding comfort in these drinks
And my bills are paid, but there's still a debt in my heart
Why is being a grown man so tough?

My feet never got better
And now I'm an old man with a cane
Small and balding, but he's so smart
That's what my young students say anyway
And my smile has never been more tired
Why is being an old man so tough?

This is it
Sitting at death's door
A warm cat sleeps on my bony body
He may as well be as old as I am
It's hard to breathe but I'm not done yet
The nurse notices a faint twinkle lingering in my eyes
And I tell her
You'd think
That after a life of struggle
This would be easy
So why is dying so tough?

Just Another Selfish Post

I'm so exhausted. I am so busy, but I do nothing. I feel I'm doing life, not living it. I walk through the motions, but they don't mean anything, really. Nothing seems genuine or significant anymore, except for petting Max. That's the one thing that is still real.

I'm worried, worried that I'm not cut out for this. For this life, for college. I don't know what to do except for drag on. I guess I'll either do it or I won't.

The only thing getting real is my mental unhealth. I feel the depression, stress, anxiety kicking in full gear. The associated derealization, lack of motivation, and fatigue are there too. Nothing is really interesting. Well, there's plenty that's interesting, just not the things I'm supposed to do.

Oh well. I guess I just keep going, or keep pretending to at least.

Derealization

I'm not sure what to make of life. I feel I'm not really connected to much but thoughts, ideas. I don't feel I have a physical, tangible identity. I am not my actions, my appearance.. I am just a collection of thoughts. I try to find stability, connection, in doing things, but nothing feels real. Nothing feels like it really grabs me and shakes me as something critical, important, or lasting. Nothing seems to matter. Why is this? Is it because nothing does matter? Is it because I've not lived the way I should, for things to matter? Do I make things matter by changing my reality? Is changing my thought process, my attitude, enough, or do I need to actually change the physical actions, the environment, the outside look of my life? 

I wish I didn't see as much as I see, or think as much as I think. I wish I was like the others around me, going on halfway happy, or at least content, with the state of their lives, their days.

I need something real. I need something spiritual. The more I try to find it within myself, the further away it flits, a fairy dancing in the grass which gets taller the closer I approach. So either I am thinking wrong, or I am becoming more aware of the unhappiness that is my outside life. What is it? What do I do? Where do I go? I no longer feel a strong path beneath my feet. It's at times literally nauseating to have this floating feeling, no anchors to any particular thing. Am I adjusting to spiritual freedom, or drifting away from sense? Where do I find purpose in this experience?