Memories Embodied

You were a racist, bigoted, transphobic, spoiled girl
All your daddy's money couldn't get you to seek help for the mental disorders that tore everything up
You made fun of a lot of people, but I just thought you were funny

I didn't see any of that until now
Because you were gorgeous and made me smile
You loved animals and music
You inspired me to exercise
Your bed was so big and comfortable
We could feel everything in each others' eyes
And the there was a frustrating thrill in how hard we tried to keep it all a secret

I still don't understand what happened
It's all a fuzzy blur, a drunken night that lasted years
All I know is that you changed me
And that is something that will always be

I think of you on the daily
And when I manage not to, I'm reminded in my dreams
I think of you when I smoke a cigar or take a hit of weed
I think of how pissed you'd be
So I smile and keep going

When I fucked that girl in October
I was so proud
Because you weren't the only one anymore
You were better though
And I later realized that night was the date you took my virginity two years prior
And I just laughed

I know you're still alive
But you're not the same person
You just happen to share the same body as that girl that changed me
And in my eyes she's died
Which is for the best
So at least I can mourn and move on

I wonder if you still think of me
Though it really doesn't matter
Because it won't change the fact that I still think of you
Whether you loved me or not, whether you still do
Won't change that I'll never get over you
Won't change that I never want to see you again