DiaryEntry8/10

Talking to probably a math major. He says how it's depressing you can't finish math, according to some theorem. I say "well of course you can't, why would you need to?" 
"It means there are some problems that can't ever be answered"
"Why would we need them then, if they can't be answered, or perhaps they aren't meant to be answered"
"well that turns into a big of a religious debate"
"hardly"
"then what do you mean by "not meant to be answered?""
"Well, if it can't be answered, it doesn't matter. It's not important if it can't be answered because there's no point."
"We can't figure out if it's pointless sometimes. We sometimes don't know if there's not an answer"
"It makes it more interesting :)"
"I think it's depressing"
"It's only depressing if someone devotes their entire life to a solution and die not knowing it can't be solved"
"That happens a lot"
"I don't know about a lot, but it does happen"
"Einstein spent the last 20 years of his life devoted to a problem that remains unsolved"
"But he did a lot of other things"
"yeah but 20 years is a long time"
"And of all the depressing ways to spend a life, I'd say it's pretty equal. some people get unlucky I guess you could say"
"actually I'm pretty sure a lot of people spent their whole lives trying to solve fermat's last theorem and failed. it went unsolved for 300 years, so"
"at least they were kept in a pursuit they were passionate about. they didn't lead depressing lives, but it may seem that way to the outsider."
And he said no more. I see the differences between us here. He is a strictly analytical, scientific mind. He sees something as being sad for the scientist. However, I think of this as not being sad for the human, so why should the scientist be sad about it? I look wider to the meaning outside of a mathematical scope. I go into the worldly philosophical view, in my pursuit of individuation, and letting go of the illusion of the self.  He may have more knowledge of math than I do..but who is wiser? I feel I'm asking questions that most people don't bother to think about, or perhaps they can't fathom them. I feel connected to my old philosophers.

I wonder how big of an impact songs that were listened to often in childhood have on a person. I realized, when listening to "Barbie Girl," I probably get a very very different experience than most people do, because I grew up with it and it's ingrained itself onto me.

Maybe some people think darkness and death are "sexy" because they are so emotional and intense topics.

If everything is filtered through a social and environmental context, then how are we to truly know our true selves? Is there such a thing as a true self? I don't think it can be discovered, in all honesty, because the world around us has become such an ingrained part of us.

I didn't choose my name

I've had people tell me, "Oh, I like the name Darren," or "I don't mean to offend you but I don't really like the name Darren." I find it odd, because they say it much more often now with my "new" name than they ever did before with the old. I didn't "choose" this name because it's my favorite name; it's really not. I chose it because it's always kind of been my name. It's always kind of been there, and I've used it to various extents throughout my life. I don't recall really ever choosing it. It's just my name... I'm just Darren.