11/16/12

Today was an interesting day. But that's only because it's the present. It won't mean much with some time.

I think I take some solace in the temporary nature of, well, everything. That means that there's perpetual movement and no matter how bad things get, they won't stay that way. Sure it's hell during the moment. But it won't last.

I have these, phases. They last anywhere from seconds to hours to weeks at a time. I hate everything when I'm in this state. Seconds last hours, I can't focus in school, and I become aversive to social interaction. I wish nothing more than to die.  But I can't! I can't die! Well, I can, but I can't make that decision. And you know what that does? Knowing I can't give up makes it so much harder. It's frustrating. It means I have to deal with the situation, with that feeling of being lower than low. I can't do a damn thing about it other than to ride it out.

I do. I do ride it out. I get better, on a whim, temporarily. I hold onto the times when I'm happy, and I exaggerate it and milk that happiness for way more than it's worth, because going back is a horrible experience. It's so very painful, and all I can do is pray that these episodes will lessen in frequency and/or severity (at this point I'd take even one of those.)

I'm not sure what causes my depressed moods. I mean, I guess I could point out a few things, but I think it's a combination of many, and I wish I knew just what pushes me over the edge so I could work on eliminating one stressor at a time.

I live with so much doubt. I doubt myself, I doubt others. I doubt just about everything. I don't feel there's much stability in the universe, much less my life. I don't have much of an anchor or a rock to hold onto when the earthquakes come. 

Living isn't fun. It's hard. I just hope it's worth something along the way or in the end.