Don't be tricked by aces in your face They'll tell you that it won't be a difficult game But they don't show what they're hiding beneath What comes quick can never last So don't jump so quick at weak prey In a shuffle soon, your queen will appear And your eyes will open to the meaning of the game
Under an amaretto sunrise I found a box It's sturdy, dense, and heavy; it's all covered in locks An aura emanates, sometimes light and sometimes dark I took it with me, and saw it's presence to be interminable, like the song of a lark More than anything I wanted to open it, but the seams were sealed shut I couldn't slice the chains open no matter how much I cut I fought and fought until I reached exhaustion I never knew my desires were so Faustian A moment from death, I'd found my design To accept the unobtainable, and face the malign
No matter how many deaths that I die I will never forgetNo matter how many lives that I live I will never regret
Somewhere along the way, I found the letter I had lost. Maybe it was an A, or a B, or a Z; I couldn't tell because the light wasn't so good. It was one of those things that always stays a part of you, but you sort of let yourself forget. You let life pass you by, flowing down the current of time, and then, all of a sudden, "Oh yeah, I remember you. I was looking for you all this time." And you did just fine in its absence, but in front of your face, you can't imagine yourself without it.
Maybe the pain that was set in place of the proximity of my letter made me repress my affections. Maybe it hurt so bad I tried to hate it and told everyone I did. But the hate was set inward because I knew I'd never let it go, not all the way. I could reach a staged happiness, tricking even myself it worked. And I believed myself too. Why wouldn't I?
I spent so much effort, using all sorts of erasers and paints, to make it disappear from my mind, to cover it. But the memory bled through, and smudges remained. Because I couldn't forget the places we'd been to, and the stories I'd written with you. Then to drop you from my alphabet, but keep writing. How could I do that? I'd look at all the other letters, and they're fine, they're lovely. They have their places and purposes. They aren't you though. They never could be. Such a shape and sound could never be reproduced.
I'm holding you tight; now, I have you. My only fear? Somewhere along the way, I'll lose you forever.
We'll have a story to tell one day. We'll talk about the crazy way we met, the coincidence that just wasn't. The way something entirely unintentional turned into furious potential. Maybe we'll talk about the way we waited for each other in every sense of the word. The way it drove us crazy, and toward each other. We'll look back and see that a break didn't mean anything was broken, only paused. Thoughts never ceased when the words did, and thoughts are the precursors to every single thing in life. Thoughts and feelings, which were present, although it took me a while to untangle all the wires of my heart and disconnect some here, plug them in there, make a strong connection to my mind which is the only thing I trust sometimes, but perhaps the most unreliable. Rose-colored goggles are real. I swear, there's a pinkish tint to everything I see and hear and feel and taste, and I know that hue comes from you. I'm drunk on love, high off of a passion for another person I never thought I'd have. Challenges are my specialty. And this one, damn, it's harder than anything I've ever done before. Isn't it funny how something so passive as waiting can be so difficult? I'm pretty sure this is a bigger trial than my USMLE's will be. It's also hard how others look on seeking justification and verification when they deserve none. Only we know how we feel and it's a shame that most people will never have what we do. But I'll wait. I was really never one for instant gratification if it meant giving up something substantially valuable. The painful time I sit through makes that moment of achievement all the more glorious.
"Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last Wake me up when September ends"
A battle you can't win A dream you can't touch Every night you fight in this war Sleep is your defeat Avoid it like a plague Succumb to the irresistible temptation An omnipotent force Irrevocable like the gravity that pulls us down You go in headfirst Eyes ablaze with passion A soft ticking passes The ground seems closer So much more attractive than the minute before You pull through Not now, not tonight A smile at your temporary triumph Don't worry, it's not to last The laughter in the distance creeps in The shadowy figures effectively avert your gaze You become hypersensitive Every light burns like the sun Every sound an explosion Every smell a rancid corpse Every touch your lover's hand Or perhaps a knife a bit dull The ticking never ceases So the edges fade Your eyes are open but you can't tell the difference They come in through every orifice And force what you deny Tear your fingers from their white-knuckled grasp They know you hate the silence Loathe it So they fill it with screams instead The palpitations have been continuous Are you dying? No You're sleeping You're sleeping You'll wake soon It'll be over soon The racing thoughts The hastened heart The failing senses You need to calm down Just make them stop, please You think lying still will help Just For a second You lose Lights out
Are you strong if you can lift 300 pounds? Are you strong if you can reach the top bell in one of those hammer games at the amusement parks? Are you strong if you can run a marathon? Are you strong if you have a lot of muscle? Are you strong if you can say no? Are you strong if you can tell the truth, as painful as it may be? Are you strong if you can walk away? Are you strong if you don't cry? Are you strong if you never give up on a task, a goal, a dream? Are you strong if you push yourself to the limit despite tears, pain, blood, and any other obstacles standing in your way? Are you strong if you resist temptation? Are you strong if you can stand on your own two feet? Is there strength in numbers? Are you strong if you're brave, fearless? Or are you brave, fearless, if you're strong? The sort of power that makes us strong comes from a sort of energy that can't be contained or defined. I don't know what it means to be strong but I'd like to some day. Despite the ambiguity, we all have our moments of strength. We're all a sort of sexy, a kind of strong, a type of invincible.
Some things, some people, seem to be put in front of you to test that strength. I'm here to say that it is imperative you don't let your knees buckle under the pressure of the world.
So I've got one final left then I'll officially be a junior. Alright, maybe not until the end of the week when they tally GPA and all that jazz, but I will be mentally and functionally finished with this year. It really is a big deal, to move on, to go to a state of higher status, respect, and power when I can still remember those first few Freshman days so vividly. To think, only one more graduation and then my own. Wow.
Every freshman now has to go through this little mentoring program called S.H.I.F.T., which means something along the lines of Students Helping Incoming Freshmen Transition, but don't quote me on that. Basically each kid gets a mentor for the first semester that helps them learn the ropes of high school, how to manage time, help with homework, and generally get acquainted. To become a mentor you have to be going into Junior or Senior year and go through a fairly selective application process. The day before school starts, the mentees meet with their mentors for what we call "Time Trials," and the mentors show the freshmen their classes, the way around the school, how to sign in and out, where the restrooms are, etc. As a freshman, I asked my mentor, who was a senior that year, "So, does it go by fast?" referring to high school. She replied, "Yeah, it really does, I can't believe I'm already a senior! You've just gotta enjoy it while it lasts." At the time I didn't really believe her, but I'm starting to see the truth in her words. Next year I'll get my own mentees.
Each year seems to be shorter than the last. I'll be out of here in no time, so it would be foolish to cry about the annoying pricks that come from walking through the field of adolescence barefooted. Not when there are those flowers, few and sickly, but still there, beautiful, deserving a thoughtful glance. You have to walk, no matter your pace, no matter where your eyes are set, so you may as well be seeing something more pleasant than not.
I just signed up to take a biology course at our local community college this summer. Hopefully I'll do well and be able to take Biology II next summer, completing a whole year of biology before I even go off to that dreamy land. I won't need to take AP Bio at school because I'll already have its equivalent in college credits, without having to score high on the AP test. I'll be taking a college course every fall and spring semester until I graduate high school, and maybe, if I do well on my AP tests and in those classes, I'll be able to go to college, fall of 2013, as a sophomore. Of course it's only a theory, a small chance, but what I really like is the idea of being a 25 year old doctor.
This is the correlation of salvation and love
Don't drop your arms
I'll guard your heart
With quiet words I'll lead you in
