There's too much inside. I've been valiantly trying to find a way to let it out, but it doesn't seem to be sufficient. My words are inadequate when I speak or write, too much meaning is lost in translation. Music is still new to me and sounds bad coming from my hands. I will practice, of course, I have to. Even if I'm not right now, I'll make myself proud one day. One day.
I don't feel overly discouraged, I just feel tired. There's been a lot to take in lately, and it's not like I usually occupy an empty house to begin with. I don't even feel like writing anymore.
Friday, October 5, 2012
Ouldn't
I tried to sleep
I couldn't
I think of you
I shouldn't
My heart aches
throb throb throb
Love hurt?
It wouldn't
I couldn't
I think of you
I shouldn't
My heart aches
throb throb throb
Love hurt?
It wouldn't
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
See What I Saw?
Teeter-totter
I think we all need a spotter
It's all a game, but it never ends
It feels like breaking but it just bends
Up and down we go
Tomorrow, how can we know?
Each point is real, don't be in such a hurry
Do you want speed or acceleration, a fright that's clear or blurry?
One fact still prevails
Gotta hold on by teeth and nails
Just don't leave me hanging, bro
Or else the journey will be awfully slow
I think we all need a spotter
It's all a game, but it never ends
It feels like breaking but it just bends
Up and down we go
Tomorrow, how can we know?
Each point is real, don't be in such a hurry
Do you want speed or acceleration, a fright that's clear or blurry?
One fact still prevails
Gotta hold on by teeth and nails
Just don't leave me hanging, bro
Or else the journey will be awfully slow
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
ybmh
You. Broke. My. Heart.
I'm in this painful place some call grief, but I'd say it's more of a withdrawal. I know you're bad for me, but the highs are so euphoric. Then I crash, and all I want is more of you. What I need now is some rehab, because relapse would be so awful. I've relapsed time and time again..but this time, I think it will be different.
I'll actually be able to move on and grow, fully, without slipping back. And all of these feelings I have right now, pain, anger, the desire to drive a drill through my skull...will disappear. Slowly, but surely, time will heal me, and it'll all be gone; like those notes that I burned, the smashed CD that I watched smolder as the tears ran from my eyes.
I relinquished the things you gave me, and with them what you meant to me. I need that love back, that intensity, that passion. I need it back to put into things that are actually worthy of the way I can feel. I know I'll be happy again. And I won't have to worry like I did. I'll experience the best days of my life. I'm starting to accept that they'll be without you.
I loved you so much. But I guess my timing was off. I was hosing down a fire that couldn't be brought down, no matter how much I put into it. I wish you luck. I have a lot more than most people, yet it still wasn't enough. I think, and hope, you just need to grow some more.
My life isn't over. It hardly is. There was a time, in fact many, when I truly believed you'd be part of it for much, much longer. I have to accept that's not how it's supposed to be. I know it's better this way. I know we aren't meant for each other. I know I can, and will, be happier without you. Why do I still hurt though? Why do I miss you?
Once upon a time we were best friends. We had this unbelievable connection, and I have to keep reminding myself that I am actually capable of having that, and more, with another person. I have to be, or else I'll die. We had some good times...but I'm not sure if I want those memories. I guess I don't have much of a choice; I'll make of them the best lessons and wisdom I can. They're a part of me, and I'll be damned if I let them be an eternal negativity.
You wonder why we can't be friends. One day I hope we can be. Maybe. But now, no. Now would be bad, because all it would do is give me hope of something more than just friendship. Or it would just depress me because I'd still want that something more but be denied it. No, I need time to get over you, to find happiness and a fulfilling life without you. I don't know how long it will take, but it won't be quick. I'll be vulnerable for a long time. Probably, in all honesty, we will never be friends again.
I knew it would come to this. I knew a long time ago I would have to get over you. I'm a bit upset it took this long. Here I am though, and there's no turning back. Wow. How far have we fallen. What I want, what I miss, is dead. It's gone. And it's time to stop pretending it will ever be back.
I'm sorry I caused you so much pain. All I ever wanted was for us to be together. And happy.
Good night, and good bye.
I'm in this painful place some call grief, but I'd say it's more of a withdrawal. I know you're bad for me, but the highs are so euphoric. Then I crash, and all I want is more of you. What I need now is some rehab, because relapse would be so awful. I've relapsed time and time again..but this time, I think it will be different.
I'll actually be able to move on and grow, fully, without slipping back. And all of these feelings I have right now, pain, anger, the desire to drive a drill through my skull...will disappear. Slowly, but surely, time will heal me, and it'll all be gone; like those notes that I burned, the smashed CD that I watched smolder as the tears ran from my eyes.
I relinquished the things you gave me, and with them what you meant to me. I need that love back, that intensity, that passion. I need it back to put into things that are actually worthy of the way I can feel. I know I'll be happy again. And I won't have to worry like I did. I'll experience the best days of my life. I'm starting to accept that they'll be without you.
I loved you so much. But I guess my timing was off. I was hosing down a fire that couldn't be brought down, no matter how much I put into it. I wish you luck. I have a lot more than most people, yet it still wasn't enough. I think, and hope, you just need to grow some more.
My life isn't over. It hardly is. There was a time, in fact many, when I truly believed you'd be part of it for much, much longer. I have to accept that's not how it's supposed to be. I know it's better this way. I know we aren't meant for each other. I know I can, and will, be happier without you. Why do I still hurt though? Why do I miss you?
Once upon a time we were best friends. We had this unbelievable connection, and I have to keep reminding myself that I am actually capable of having that, and more, with another person. I have to be, or else I'll die. We had some good times...but I'm not sure if I want those memories. I guess I don't have much of a choice; I'll make of them the best lessons and wisdom I can. They're a part of me, and I'll be damned if I let them be an eternal negativity.
You wonder why we can't be friends. One day I hope we can be. Maybe. But now, no. Now would be bad, because all it would do is give me hope of something more than just friendship. Or it would just depress me because I'd still want that something more but be denied it. No, I need time to get over you, to find happiness and a fulfilling life without you. I don't know how long it will take, but it won't be quick. I'll be vulnerable for a long time. Probably, in all honesty, we will never be friends again.
I knew it would come to this. I knew a long time ago I would have to get over you. I'm a bit upset it took this long. Here I am though, and there's no turning back. Wow. How far have we fallen. What I want, what I miss, is dead. It's gone. And it's time to stop pretending it will ever be back.
I'm sorry I caused you so much pain. All I ever wanted was for us to be together. And happy.
Good night, and good bye.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Pain Sends Us to a Doctor, or Creates One
Every day, I learn something new. It's not always something academic, per se, or something that will advance me in what we've decided is "practical" in society. But every day has it's own rewards and challenges, no matter what form the day takes.
How many times have we wondered why we are here, what's the purpose of living? Pain seems to last so much longer than happiness. Happy memories themselves can conjure grief and disappointment. Why? What do we gain from going from one hurt to the next, continuing only in hopes for that rare glimmer of contentment? Zoologists and biologists study animals, and with almost each characteristic they find in a species, it serves an evolutionary purpose. How does continual negativity help us survive, grow, reproduce, and improve as humans?
Perhaps these tendencies towards darkness are vestigial, like wisdom teeth and appendixes. Unfortunately, we can't cut away parts of our psyches and hearts like we can extra organs. There have been attempts in the past (remember Walter Freeman, the American lobotomist?) which resulted in horrendous consequences. No, I believe we are supposed to live with the whole range of emotions and feelings possible, even though their functions aren't always clear.
In today's world of psycho-active medication, psychiatry, and technology; it's hard to discern a healthy mind. I battle with the concept of mental illness; part of me believes all of us have psychological anomalies which can be coined as sicknesses, but another thinks these differences and inconsistencies are all part of the normal neurological and psychological spectrum (except for the obvious, extreme cases.) In comparison, we wouldn't say a person with blonde hair and blue eyes is diseased because they don't have the darker features of the masses (but we might make that distinction if we believed in a Hitler-esque master race.)
This ambivalence, along with the constant feel of psychological effects, is among the many factors that drive me toward the field of psychiatry. It is the coalescence of the medical, chemical, and abstract properties of the mind. Seeing as my mind dictates just about everything for me, from what and when I want to eat to intense emotional outbursts, it makes sense for me to desire to understand it and how it works the way it does. Such understanding, coupled with the experiences of living, should bring greater stability to my life and emotions, as well as teach me how deal with any situation concerning myself or other people.
I digress, but my endeavor is to create something out of the pain I feel from life's realities. A longstanding lesson, motivation, and/or a more open mind are all the pleasant rewards of a broken heart or a beaten-down mind. I can survive hurt because each day it lessens just a bit, and in hurt I find what I need to achieve happiness.
How many times have we wondered why we are here, what's the purpose of living? Pain seems to last so much longer than happiness. Happy memories themselves can conjure grief and disappointment. Why? What do we gain from going from one hurt to the next, continuing only in hopes for that rare glimmer of contentment? Zoologists and biologists study animals, and with almost each characteristic they find in a species, it serves an evolutionary purpose. How does continual negativity help us survive, grow, reproduce, and improve as humans?
Perhaps these tendencies towards darkness are vestigial, like wisdom teeth and appendixes. Unfortunately, we can't cut away parts of our psyches and hearts like we can extra organs. There have been attempts in the past (remember Walter Freeman, the American lobotomist?) which resulted in horrendous consequences. No, I believe we are supposed to live with the whole range of emotions and feelings possible, even though their functions aren't always clear.
In today's world of psycho-active medication, psychiatry, and technology; it's hard to discern a healthy mind. I battle with the concept of mental illness; part of me believes all of us have psychological anomalies which can be coined as sicknesses, but another thinks these differences and inconsistencies are all part of the normal neurological and psychological spectrum (except for the obvious, extreme cases.) In comparison, we wouldn't say a person with blonde hair and blue eyes is diseased because they don't have the darker features of the masses (but we might make that distinction if we believed in a Hitler-esque master race.)
This ambivalence, along with the constant feel of psychological effects, is among the many factors that drive me toward the field of psychiatry. It is the coalescence of the medical, chemical, and abstract properties of the mind. Seeing as my mind dictates just about everything for me, from what and when I want to eat to intense emotional outbursts, it makes sense for me to desire to understand it and how it works the way it does. Such understanding, coupled with the experiences of living, should bring greater stability to my life and emotions, as well as teach me how deal with any situation concerning myself or other people.
I digress, but my endeavor is to create something out of the pain I feel from life's realities. A longstanding lesson, motivation, and/or a more open mind are all the pleasant rewards of a broken heart or a beaten-down mind. I can survive hurt because each day it lessens just a bit, and in hurt I find what I need to achieve happiness.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Just Because I Won't Doesn't Mean I Don't Want To
I guess I could sing for you
We both know the problem's not with my voice
I wish I could play the guitar
I'd make you melt with the sad, mellow tunes of my heart
And my words would carry a farther distance
But it's not my hands that can't follow a tune
Maybe I could learn the piano
And tickle your soul along with the ivories
But my fingers aren't holding me back
The seat of the throne has her own ideas
Passions and dreams and desires
An exuberant energy, wild, yet, undirected
Fiery yet inarticulate
Wide-eyed but wandering
Love's not a jigsaw puzzle
You can't start with the edges and slowly fill in the rest
You don't get all the pieces with your box
In search of the rest, you risk losing the ones you have
And you'll drop them from time to time
And you'll panic, searching the floor, under the tables, behind the couch
You'll grow discouraged
But just when you think you can't take it anymore
You'll have to trust that honest face in front of you
Open her hand
What she has for you
Might just complete you
We both know the problem's not with my voice
I wish I could play the guitar
I'd make you melt with the sad, mellow tunes of my heart
And my words would carry a farther distance
But it's not my hands that can't follow a tune
Maybe I could learn the piano
And tickle your soul along with the ivories
But my fingers aren't holding me back
The seat of the throne has her own ideas
Passions and dreams and desires
An exuberant energy, wild, yet, undirected
Fiery yet inarticulate
Wide-eyed but wandering
Love's not a jigsaw puzzle
You can't start with the edges and slowly fill in the rest
You don't get all the pieces with your box
In search of the rest, you risk losing the ones you have
And you'll drop them from time to time
And you'll panic, searching the floor, under the tables, behind the couch
You'll grow discouraged
But just when you think you can't take it anymore
You'll have to trust that honest face in front of you
Open her hand
What she has for you
Might just complete you
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Just A Thought
Can I travel on a thought?
Can I be carried away, out of the chains that bind the mind's inhabitants?
I'd be so far away from here, from now
I'd sit with Einstein and Freud and Cushing and Sinatra and Shakespeare and Homer and Washington
I'd talk with them, they'd teach me lessons, and they'd learn some too.
I'd go to the stars, to the center of an atom
I'd watch the sunset from your beating heart
Maybe dream in the arms of a lover
Then wake up to those dreams in my eyes
Where is the value of a glorious collection of thoughts?
Can a thought build a house?
Can it feed a mouth?
Can it bring love to the lonely?
I feel a border placed around my soul
One that I can't pass, jump, sneak through, get around
It separates my internal being
Which is all I really am
From what have been deemed the necessities of the world we all live in
Money
Status
A very specific education
Criss-cross paths that have been drawn by a lucky few
Now we all have to follow them
What about the areas in between?
I want to see them for myself
You can tell me all you want about them, but I am a visual learner
A tactile learner
I won't be satisfied with just the rails on a track
Why is that all that matters?
How can a penny be worth more than a human spirit?
I guess it's just a thought.
Can I be carried away, out of the chains that bind the mind's inhabitants?
I'd be so far away from here, from now
I'd sit with Einstein and Freud and Cushing and Sinatra and Shakespeare and Homer and Washington
I'd talk with them, they'd teach me lessons, and they'd learn some too.
I'd go to the stars, to the center of an atom
I'd watch the sunset from your beating heart
Maybe dream in the arms of a lover
Then wake up to those dreams in my eyes
Where is the value of a glorious collection of thoughts?
Can a thought build a house?
Can it feed a mouth?
Can it bring love to the lonely?
I feel a border placed around my soul
One that I can't pass, jump, sneak through, get around
It separates my internal being
Which is all I really am
From what have been deemed the necessities of the world we all live in
Money
Status
A very specific education
Criss-cross paths that have been drawn by a lucky few
Now we all have to follow them
What about the areas in between?
I want to see them for myself
You can tell me all you want about them, but I am a visual learner
A tactile learner
I won't be satisfied with just the rails on a track
Why is that all that matters?
How can a penny be worth more than a human spirit?
I guess it's just a thought.
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