ybmh

You. Broke. My. Heart.

     I'm in this painful place some call grief, but I'd say it's more of a withdrawal.  I know you're bad for me, but the highs are so euphoric. Then I crash, and all I want is more of you. What I need now is some rehab, because relapse would be so awful. I've relapsed time and time again..but this time, I think it will be different. 
 I'll actually be able to move on and grow, fully, without slipping back.  And all of these feelings I have right now, pain, anger, the desire to drive a drill through my skull...will disappear. Slowly, but surely, time will heal me, and it'll all be gone; like those notes that I burned, the smashed CD that I watched smolder as the tears ran from my eyes.
   I relinquished the things you gave me, and with them what you meant to me. I need that love back, that intensity, that passion. I need it back to put into things that are actually worthy of the way I can feel. I know I'll be happy again. And I won't have to worry like I did. I'll experience the best days of my life. I'm starting to accept that they'll be without you.
     I loved you so much. But I guess my timing was off. I was hosing down a fire that couldn't be brought down, no matter how much I put into it.  I wish you luck. I have a lot more than most people, yet it still wasn't enough. I think, and hope, you just need to grow some more.
     My life isn't over. It hardly is. There was a time, in fact many, when I truly believed you'd be part of it for much, much longer.  I have to accept that's not how it's supposed to be. I know it's better this way. I know we aren't meant for each other. I know I can, and will, be happier without you. Why do I still hurt though? Why do I miss you?
     Once upon a time we were best friends. We had this unbelievable connection, and I have to keep reminding myself that I am actually capable of having that, and more, with another person. I have to be, or else I'll die. We had some good times...but I'm not sure if I want those memories. I guess I don't have much of a choice; I'll make of them the best lessons and wisdom I can. They're a part of me, and I'll be damned if I let them be an eternal negativity.
     You wonder why we can't be friends.  One day I hope we can be. Maybe. But now, no. Now would be bad, because all it would do is give me hope of something more than just friendship. Or it would just depress me because I'd still want that something more but be denied it. No, I need time to get over you, to find happiness and a fulfilling life without you. I don't know how long it will take, but it won't be quick. I'll be vulnerable for a long time. Probably, in all honesty, we will never be friends again.
     I knew it would come to this. I knew a long time ago I would have to get over you. I'm a bit upset it took this long.  Here I am though, and there's no turning back. Wow. How far have we fallen. What I want, what I miss, is dead. It's gone. And it's time to stop pretending it will ever be back.
     I'm sorry I caused you so much pain. All I ever wanted was for us to be together. And happy.


Good night, and good bye.