I relish tonight with a heavy heart, filling with sorrow over things lost and never had. That spot of hope, a light in a darkness, makes the rest of the night look all that much blacker. A song can weigh on you, and the best option is to let it affect you. Listen, and cry. The release is unparalleled, except, perhaps, by genuine happiness. And when is happiness known as anything other than an afterthought?
To be acutely aware of one's position in space and the fragile fabric of emotionality is frightening. To say ignorance is bliss is more than just cliche. Where we truly are is often much less comfortable than we'd like to pretend. Unfortunately, ignoring one's feelings doesn't let one grow or experience all that it is to be human. That means pain, loneliness, depression, hopelessness, yearning, loss, and more. We'd be much better off addressing our emotions, and saying okay, this is where I am, so I will play a sad song, and I will cry through it, to feel better. I've held my head falsely high long enough. I am alone now. I can cry.
I will one day have a funeral, and hopefully before that, a wedding. There are two songs I request be played at these occasions: Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol, and Heartbeats by Jose Gonzalez. I listen to them and just know that one day they'll be played at some time important. It's a sad hope that comes with being able to accept one's sadness. I'd like for them to be presented one day as a sort of victory ballad, for hardships overcome, for happiness, peace, rest attained.
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