(Just a Few) Thoughts on Gender

Disclaimer: I do not intend to offend anyone. I want understanding for all.. I'm just trying to express things the way I see them the best way I know how.

I don't really think there are more than two genders. I understand someone being agender, but I think non-binary people are still a combination of the two binary genders. Gender is a social construct built around expectations and norms for two sexes. Just two. Just two chromosomes, X and Y.

Any defect in sex chromosomes still contains only X and/or Y. There's no third Z chromosome. And in a similar way, I think all non-binary identities (and I mean actual, inherent identities, not the psychologically-deceived ones such as "I am physically a plant") are but some combination or absence of the two genders.

I'm not trying to say that non-binary identities don't exist, or that these are trivial or false identities. No, none of that. I support breaking down walls! But I think breaking down walls doesn't create a new population, but a combination of the two that were separated*.
      *Which, yeah, I guess creates a new one, but it's still derived from the same two parents.

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I guess I write because I want to immortalize my thoughts. They feel like they'll be here forever, but I know better than that. I'm a biologist. I'm also deluded enough to think my thoughts matter. But maybe one day I'll be famous, even post-mortem. Maybe I'll have some sort of grandchildren (not biological, of course) who will want to look back. Or maybe the internet will crash and all of this will be lost.

It makes me feel better in the moment though.

Fur Elise

My therapist told me I have ADD, so naturally I went to see my doctor. He didn't believe me, because I've done well in school, and because I have depression. So I'm being sent to a psychiatrist again. He suggested the psychiatrist that I had previously gone to, but I have no desire to see him because he doesn't understand me whatsoever. All he did was over-medicate me and tell me to lose weight when I was obviously gaining weight from the testosterone.

When did Google become just as knowledgeable as a doctor with a degree? Yes, I know I did well in school before college. Yes, I know I have depression. But what about the fact that people with attention deficit disorders are six times more likely to suffer from depression and anxiety? And what about the fact that ADD is under-diagnosed in people with high IQ's, especially when they don't have hyperactivity?

I did well in school, but honestly I never felt I had to try. Everything was easy. I didn't have to pay attention because the important parts of class were repeated seventeen hundred times and were explicitly written out on study guides. I never understood why other people struggled with school; it was so simple. Everything was also very structured. Get up at 6:30, get to school by 8, get home by 3:30, do homework immediately. 

Now, every day is different, and teachers don't repeat themselves. My homework is online, but so is an infinite digital universe which almost always is more compelling than WebAssign. Zoning out has repercussions now, so I have to shift into a state of hyperfocus during class and tests and hope that whatever song is stuck in my head at the time is quiet enough to let me think.

School is half an hour away, not less than 5 minutes by car. So it sucks when I forget my lunch or water bottle at home. And whenever I have to move from building to building, I have a moment of pre-panic as I search every pocket to make sure I still have my keys, phone, wallet, etc. because I can't remember where I put them a few seconds ago.

I thought the open form of the classes I'm taking this semester, with very little required homework, was going to be a good thing. Instead, I do nothing for days because the due dates for the few assignments I do have are weeks away. I've discovered that on my good days, I really love math. But when I can't focus, and I start falling behind (or at least falling behind where I should be), it becomes a unique Hell that can drive me to tears.

Disorganization? You should see my room. I get very flustered when I have a lot to do and unless I immediately put a meeting or appointment into my phone, I will not remember it the next day. I generally remember when I have homework, but anything beyond the realm of school risks slipping into the realm of oblivion.

My mind is constantly wandering, if it's not blank in a tired lull. I may notice everything or nothing at all. While I make many observations that I keep to myself because they're too random or trivial for conversation, I also make many stupid mistakes which keeps me obsessively checking my work (if I have the motivation and energy to look it over.) I get bored so easily, and would rather play with my fingernails or rub my face than do what I need to do.

That's not it, and in my head there are plenty of other things I could talk about, but my interest in writing is waning. I'm just so sick of clueless doctors not knowing how to treat patients beyond their textbook profiles. I'm nobody's typical case; there's not an average bone in my body and there never will be.

Cold Poets

Blank stare at a blank page
Unfiltered thoughts behind an unpermeable gaze
It's hard to be of good intent
When all I see is debt
And the wonder I once had for the world
Has been negated by a heart gone cold
Constantly waiting for "it'll get better"
But I don't care, just pass the hitter

Memories Embodied

You were a racist, bigoted, transphobic, spoiled girl
All your daddy's money couldn't get you to seek help for the mental disorders that tore everything up
You made fun of a lot of people, but I just thought you were funny

I didn't see any of that until now
Because you were gorgeous and made me smile
You loved animals and music
You inspired me to exercise
Your bed was so big and comfortable
We could feel everything in each others' eyes
And the there was a frustrating thrill in how hard we tried to keep it all a secret

I still don't understand what happened
It's all a fuzzy blur, a drunken night that lasted years
All I know is that you changed me
And that is something that will always be

I think of you on the daily
And when I manage not to, I'm reminded in my dreams
I think of you when I smoke a cigar or take a hit of weed
I think of how pissed you'd be
So I smile and keep going

When I fucked that girl in October
I was so proud
Because you weren't the only one anymore
You were better though
And I later realized that night was the date you took my virginity two years prior
And I just laughed

I know you're still alive
But you're not the same person
You just happen to share the same body as that girl that changed me
And in my eyes she's died
Which is for the best
So at least I can mourn and move on

I wonder if you still think of me
Though it really doesn't matter
Because it won't change the fact that I still think of you
Whether you loved me or not, whether you still do
Won't change that I'll never get over you
Won't change that I never want to see you again

Why Is Life So Tough?

Asking questions during Science Time
The teacher seems so impressed
At recess I talk to myself
As the other kids laugh, running and playing
Why is being a child so tough?

Driving home at night after a winter's day of work
My first semester of college slips by
The radio coaxes out my loneliness
And I sit in all my lacking
Love, money, and purpose
Why is being a young adult so tough?

I just turned thirty-two
I'm a doctor now, a real scientist
Who traded all for a university lab
Too busy thinking to think
Finding comfort in these drinks
And my bills are paid, but there's still a debt in my heart
Why is being a grown man so tough?

My feet never got better
And now I'm an old man with a cane
Small and balding, but he's so smart
That's what my young students say anyway
And my smile has never been more tired
Why is being an old man so tough?

This is it
Sitting at death's door
A warm cat sleeps on my bony body
He may as well be as old as I am
It's hard to breathe but I'm not done yet
The nurse notices a faint twinkle lingering in my eyes
And I tell her
You'd think
That after a life of struggle
This would be easy
So why is dying so tough?

Just Another Selfish Post

I'm so exhausted. I am so busy, but I do nothing. I feel I'm doing life, not living it. I walk through the motions, but they don't mean anything, really. Nothing seems genuine or significant anymore, except for petting Max. That's the one thing that is still real.

I'm worried, worried that I'm not cut out for this. For this life, for college. I don't know what to do except for drag on. I guess I'll either do it or I won't.

The only thing getting real is my mental unhealth. I feel the depression, stress, anxiety kicking in full gear. The associated derealization, lack of motivation, and fatigue are there too. Nothing is really interesting. Well, there's plenty that's interesting, just not the things I'm supposed to do.

Oh well. I guess I just keep going, or keep pretending to at least.

Derealization

I'm not sure what to make of life. I feel I'm not really connected to much but thoughts, ideas. I don't feel I have a physical, tangible identity. I am not my actions, my appearance.. I am just a collection of thoughts. I try to find stability, connection, in doing things, but nothing feels real. Nothing feels like it really grabs me and shakes me as something critical, important, or lasting. Nothing seems to matter. Why is this? Is it because nothing does matter? Is it because I've not lived the way I should, for things to matter? Do I make things matter by changing my reality? Is changing my thought process, my attitude, enough, or do I need to actually change the physical actions, the environment, the outside look of my life? 

I wish I didn't see as much as I see, or think as much as I think. I wish I was like the others around me, going on halfway happy, or at least content, with the state of their lives, their days.

I need something real. I need something spiritual. The more I try to find it within myself, the further away it flits, a fairy dancing in the grass which gets taller the closer I approach. So either I am thinking wrong, or I am becoming more aware of the unhappiness that is my outside life. What is it? What do I do? Where do I go? I no longer feel a strong path beneath my feet. It's at times literally nauseating to have this floating feeling, no anchors to any particular thing. Am I adjusting to spiritual freedom, or drifting away from sense? Where do I find purpose in this experience?